OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
