Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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