okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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