Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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