I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
