If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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