waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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