I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
