How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
