hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
