first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
