Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
