Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
