Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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