I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize