So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
