my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I enjoy the company of your penis
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
