I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
