i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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