I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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