this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize