Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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