I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
