im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
