Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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