You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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