My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
