I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
