I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
