I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
