remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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