Where are you?
In a non slutty way
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
