Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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