Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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