So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
