Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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