Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
