Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize