I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
