i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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