Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Everything about him screamed your future.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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