Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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