I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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