i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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