this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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