It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
