Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
