Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
