a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
