It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
