Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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