i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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