I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I checked into jail on foursquare
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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