If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
