When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
